Birthday, 28
I decided to write this, as sort of a snapshot of my thought at this moment. I had written a weird question to my future self on my google calendar. In it, I laughed at myself about my unemployment. At the time, there was hope, that I would be in a better place. That I would have a job I loved. But so far, none of that has happened. I am therefore writing this today, because again, hope, the abusive lover keeping me alive. Because I hope that at one point in my life, I will look back at this and be happy that my situation has turned. It is both annoying and convenient being born in December. Annoying because when your birthday comes around, everyone is planning for the holidays, so you are like an afterthought. Convenient, because your birthday also serves as a time to reflect on the whole year… and my 2021 was somehow both uneventful and chaotic, and unproductive and relieving.
I find birthdays (and also end of year reflections) a bit pretentious. I do not know if I say that because my year is never as remarkable as those of the people who do these things, and therefore when I do it, there is nothing spectacular to see there. Maybe I am just envious that in such a short time, people achieve a lot. I do not know if the people who have an active will to live, have it because they are constantly breaking grounds, finding love, and so on, or if they are constantly breaking grounds and finding love, because they have a will to live. Do they feed off each other? Is my lack of achievements because I do not feel excited about being alive? Or do I not feel excited about not being alive because I don’t have these achievements and plans to look forward to? I will never know. Or maybe I will time will tell.
I do have some minimal 2021 achievements though, that I will hold on to. I found comfort in exercise. After so many years of trying and failing, I recorded 8 out of 12 months of constantly improving my running speed, distance and ability to do basic exercises. I went from running a 5km under 45 minutes to running a 5km in 36 minutes. My legs gave way after the latter achievement, but I know it is my muscles adapting. I hope to shave off the 6 minutes in 2022 and maybe 10 minutes by 2023.
I am no longer scared of the treadmill because I can now keep up with it at higher speeds. I can now lift up to 10kg dumbbells for certain exercises and do half burpees and squat jumps even on my bad days.
I now have savings. Specifically, investments. They’re bleeding right now but again, hope my abusive lover. I hope they turn around. I have split it into the one I manage and the one being managed by my bank.
I got an adult person apartment too. With separate rooms, and a big fridge and a washing machine and my own TV and living room. The conditions under which this came to be were not ideal, but I guess all is well that ends well or whatever Shakespeare said. It’s not the ideal place I would like to have, but it is mine. To do as I like with and adult in. So maybe the year wasn’t so bad. If I weren’t in so much debt, if I didn’t experience a friendship so exhausting it brought me back to the days I was just plain angry and ready to fight… I tried therapy again, it started well, then I got angry at the therapist because she didn’t reach out to me again for a while and when she did, I refused to follow up. My friend says I have not been approaching therapy the right way, so maybe that’s why it has not been working. He might be right because he is, himself, in training to be a therapist. But I am honestly tired of trying. I messaged a therapist in my city, based off feedback from him and also because I wanted in person sessions, but they told me they didn’t have space and weren’t putting people on waitlists for now. So maybe that is the universe’s way of telling me to sort my shit together myself. I hope I am one day successful at that.
Today, I feel loved because my friends wrote me really nice birthday messages. But most other days, life still feels mostly lonely and incoherent. I still feel small and inconsequential, I still feel stuck. I found this tweet on the interwebs which perfectly summarises my state of mind. I know I need things in my life to change. I AM willing to change these things, but at the same time, I set goals and fail at them. My job no longer feels motivational, I feel like I am ruining my life, I am also currently overdosed on coffee and sport drink (unrelated but train of thought). I have to motivate myself to leave my bed every morning…
Anyway I guess so there’s that. Here’s to 28, I guess. Today has been spent watching the new Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D on my new TV (thanks, Demilade). I will maybe go for a run and get in some exercise. I would like to try Danielle Pascente’s Krazy Kettlebells exercise on FitOn and that will mostly be it for the day. If you would want to do anything nice, please follow my sister’s instagram page. Thank you all, love you all and happy birthday to me I guess.
