Day 6: My First Love

I was looking for a writing prompt because I needed to write to clear my head and I finally landed on one I found good enough. My first love. Now, I could be cheesy and say my first love is my mummy, but that’s not what we’re here for. Or I could say it was my first boyfriend, which would be a huge lie.
When I saw this prompt, I was excited to come and tell you guys about W, who I am convinced on some days was my first love. But is it love only if it’s returned? Like can you love someone and they don’t love you back and have that love still be valid? Would that make it merely a crush? Does it diminish the "magic" if it doesn’t last or if it is built on lies? How do you even know you love or loved someone? Was it truly love if it ended? I have struggled to buy into the idea that love doesn’t have to last forever for it to be valid. My rational mind knows that you can love someone but still not be with them at all, or still decide that pairing with them is not optimal for your life. At the same time, my other mind asks these questions. When you’re dating someone, or even in the talking stage, you tell them you love them and in that moment, you believe it, unless you know you are with them for other reasons. You believe it and in that moment you don’t see any other way this love will end except you guys being buried beside each other. But plans, are really just plans and so shit hits the fan, and even you start questioning if you really did love them or not. Was it familiarity? Was it lust you mistook for love? Was it a fondness for a man who had become a stand in figure of a father that was absent? Were you just bored? If it’s love, it’s forever, right? But now you can’t stand them. Or maybe you can. Maybe you miss what was or what could have been. Is it love enduring or just nostalgia?
Does someone stop being your first love because you loved someone more intensely than you loved them? I know I led by saying that my first boyfriend wasn’t my first love, but I must have said “I love you" many times to him. The thing I felt for him had nothing on what I felt for W, or C, or O. When it ended, I moved on like it was merely an inconvenience. When W and I ended, I lost my bearing. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out. It didn’t matter to me that I was convinced I had fallen for him barely 3 days after we met and the thing never blossomed into any tangible relationship. So was it really love? The situationship was built on certain lies. Does that make what we shared any less magical or special? Does the fact that I didn’t end up marrying O, mean that I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did? Was it just the idea of being married to him I loved more?

This has devolved into a soul searching session. In summary, what even is this love thing.